A decade later...

At 8:20pm on March 4th 2000 my life changed dramatically. At the time I knew it was going to change, but I never knew that a decade later how that one night changed so much in my future...

That was the night that my father passed away. The setting: an hospice suite in a small hospital in southern Charlotte, NC. It was just me and my mom sitting on either side of my dad holding his hands. My brothers and sister were down earlier that week and had flown back to NY to wait for the inevitable news. I had never actually watched anyone die before this night and at being only 19 years old, it was the last thing I imagined doing.

But alas, the time came. My father had slipped into a deep sleep the night before and he woke briefly about an hour prior to his passing. It was an abrupt cough that jolted my father to an upright position. His eyes opened, he looked at me and my mom, squeezed our hands, said "I love you," and slipped back into his sleep to pass away just about an hour later.

And now I find myself in a whole different life a decade later. So much has happened since that life changing night. Graduating college, moving out on my own, graduating with my masters, getting my first real job, getting married, and now living a life in a whole different state all grown up.

With each milestone I find myself excited and proud of my accomplishments, yet a bittersweet moment as well. I am a woman of faith and fully believe that my father watches over me each day. But that still doesn't replace his physical presence, his big tight hugs where he calls me "petunia" as I'm held close to him. His scruffy kisses from his mustache that as a little girl I would cringe from, yet I would give anything to feel again...

Little did I know how my father's passing would prepare me for so much ahead in life. After you loose someone close to you, it's indescribable how your priorities adjust to what really matters. It's amazing how the things that we worry about and stress out about don't seem to matter. It's uncanny how you can relate to others when they then go through the same experience...

As I get ready for work each day, putting on my make up and straitening my hair, I see my father each day staring back at me in the mirror. You would think that out of his four children the two boys would inherit his looks. Nopers, my sister and I are undeniably his daughters: nose, curly hair, and calves. Yes I have my dad's calves, and ironically the same birthmark on my leg!

There are times where I still find my self bitter at the world for cheating me out of having an adult life with my dad. My kids will never have a grandfather to pass on the stories of how his family immigrated here from Italy, my husband never had the chance to really get to know the man whom I held all other men up to, and my mom doesn't get the chance to grow old with her one true love..

But I have so much to thank my father for, more than what I could feel cheated out of. For one thing, I had 19 years of being raised by the most kind, patient, and loving man. I have memories that even the best novelist couldn't describe with the right words. I have a future of one day raising children of my own with the knowledge and values instilled in my that my father passed on.

The song that can best encompass the impact my father has had on me is Madonna's "I'll Remember". This was the song that I chose to dance with my family at my wedding in honor of the traditional father-daughter dance.

A decade later I find myself sitting here tonight reflecting on a great man. I've already called my mom, my brother Jason gave me a call and will go up to pray at my dad's grave later this evening. Through the years this anniversary has gotten easier. I find my self reminiscing on his life opposed to his death. I celebrate by cooking his sauce and meatballs and hold them to the standard of his quality. I laugh at the memories of him cheering me up when I was sad or sick. I remember and live the lessons of life that he taught me each and every day. And I never, ever take the moments with those that I love for granted...

"I'll Remember"
by Madonna

Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember

Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing

I learned to let go of the
illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go, I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember 

No I've never been afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why
I'll remember